I had a long dating gap from 15 to 20 I had even longer physical romatic contact gap from 15 to 21, aboslutely fucking insane, because man I used to have these fantasies of ~*the perfect boyfriend*~, how in High School nobody could live up to that expectation I thought so weird. I didn’t accept my body, I wanted to be normal, I used to to want to be like those alternative attractive white guys (race didn’t really matter but I definitely held a learned standard above me subconciously), but most of all the biggest thing is thank Toronto would change me; it did in a way so fucking unexpected I laugh about it all the time. I thought I’d be romatically and sexually liberated once I came here, but hell to the fucking no I feel so lost in dating more than ever but not that’s a bad thing. I had my chance at dreamy white boys and they are either hollow or shitty, unfortunately hollow and shitty white boys are at the top of these dating chains and not just my teenage head. When realizing this, all the things I had endured, the fetishism, the bullshit, I was so angry this is all a lie. I could’ve left more doors open when I was a teen, men can be so cruel and terrible and I fell face flat into that. So many things that make me who I am I took for granted, my Honolulu vibes help me though the fakeness of this city, I am more me even in the ugly times which has been re-occuring but I want more, for me, for damn once and even with the past I hope dating becomes easier, and I keep choosing my own made career over foolish things while mainting a good social cycle throughout we’ll see it’s all work so better start instantly.
but tbh tumblr is the best place to talk about it manly my rant can echo some of my frustrations in more detail. Alec Holtforster abused me three years ago and I didn’t realize how effected I’d ever be by it until now, I’ve even asked myself why, while it’s unpleasant and definitely traumatic why for years feel like this in the on and off mental decay? While Alec Holtoforster is a racist monster he wasn’t alone, and the reason he stays on is because of his friends, once my friends. I do understand that young people suck but I just moved to Canada only by a year when I met these people, half of me thought they were my people (I was also young a little older but albiet young) I never really had a lot of friends interested in stuff and politics I liked so I put a lot time and energy in getting to know them, I don’t regret it there were fun and awful times and if I wasn’t friends with them I wouldn’t have such a strong sense of self (on good days) but the bad was awful. We’d drink a lot, sometimes they’d do drugs I never went as far as small cocaine usage, they’d get super sexually agressive in a weird performative way, I was shocked how they’d all talk shit about eachother and make fun of peoples life drama, sans the sexual agression I became as much of a faux-intellectual shit stirrer like the rest of them but it felt good too good; There were many times because I wasn’t as sexually active or doing heavy drugs I wasn’t as cool as them, risky as them, rebellious as them; majority of them are white kids so lol. Alec Holtforster was someone who persued me, when he first kissed me he kept trying to choke me and I kept pushing is hand off, he shushed me and put his hand on my neck. I didn’t personally see this as a sign because it was a soft choke but I wish I knew that night to never engage with this human again. So almost two months go by, I’m having problems with my “best friend” was emotionally abusing me when she was on drugs or drinking, I felt trapped, I wanted to belong but I couldn’t take the virtolic relationship that brought me in I was in too deep, it’s Pride in Toronto, saw Alec Holtforster earlier and he completely avoided eye contact, saw him later that night he stared me down like prey, we were pre-drinking, we went to a club night that didn’t have high turn out, some people leave for the Village, I remember feeling ditched by someone I like and smoking sadly in a corner scared of my emotionally abusive “best friend” and complete alone in a group of people, suddenly I lost my vision, sight, and control of my body; my cigarette slides onto a BDSM participants bare shoulder, I feel a wet kiss, my eyes open Alec Holtforseter was there; I black out, I think he’s still minorly harmless on the gallons of liquor I chugged, we make out I didn’t recognize the attack yet he makes a racial comment I let go and run to the bathroom,
I realize what happened, my body echo’d sadness, I was assaulted but I wouldn’t say it to me until 2016 , my “best friend” in our friend break up fight asked if I said “no” told me Alec Holtforster is a good person and promoted his racist crap then on; I felt ashamed and crazy so I kept this is painful memory, from even me until 2016 and fully to the publc in 2017 where I realized why I became an alcoholic and frequent drug user, why I was so far away from my life, I never considered me as a person in need of care so I began doing it, it’s hard being indipendent but those friends taught me, don’t lose you in the process of being loved. I’m writing to self purposes unfollow me if you plese; I need catharsis, I need to let it get out of my system, I need a reminder of how much I have changed because of this reckoning attack, how I should congratulate me for my hard work.
